Trading spaces with the version of myself that refused to follow my then-fiance-now-spouse and his new job back to Utah—a version of myself who moved to LA instead to haunt open mics and write and find a way to survive while applying to grad schools—is a fantasy I dwell on about as much as I do the one in which I moved back East on a lacrosse scholarship after high school and discovered my atheism and bisexuality much sooner than I finally would.